UntoldStories #3 — A Letter to My 23 Year Old Self

“Dear Hilda,

I know lately you’ve been wondering about this unpredictable roller coaster ride called “Life”. For those fearful thoughts frequently popped up in your state of mind, singing terrible sound of doubting yourself every so often, but then you get rid of it. You keep imagining how does it look like to feel content while living your dreams. 

I know you’ve been confusing yourself. You begin to see the fine line between what you’ve been dreaming about and what your current situation is. You keep yourself busy, running errands to get your work done. Or don’t you? You might also consider that you’re busy enough just to ease your mind to stop thinking of what future holds. 

Don’t get me wrong, dear. From my point of view, this past one year you learned something new. You took your time allowing yourself to have a tiny little piece of contentment. You had freedoms to share things you earned to people who mean the world to you, might as well owned some stuffs and lessons you’ve been longing for ages ago. That really brought you to a new level of happiness as you finally got it through the hardships in return, didn’t it?

In the meantime, you learned how does it feel to have your own salary for the first time and noticed how hard it is to make a living. Then you realize how merciful Allah is, for sending you abundant blessings through your parents especially Mom. Oh, and just in case, if you don’t realize, I’m going to tell you that you’re also good at contemplating and planning for our big dreams in the next 5 or 10 years ahead— if we still have a chance to breathe, for sure.

You think deeply and finally make up your mind to only focus on things that give the most meaningful and important value which you’ll encounter later on. Every day you fill your life by figuring things out, hoping that you’d always stick to the same track as what we started 5 years ago. You can’t help but keep reminding yourself that the roads won’t always be easy as you expected but they’re always worth fighting for.

I believe you’ll be thankful one day for all the struggles and sleepless nights that bring you to experiencing a whole new thing instead of regretting the undone(s). Also remember that life is not a race. It’s okay to do things differently at a pace you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to rush in everything, dear. Life is beautiful if you know what you want, then you chase what you need. You’re the only one who got to decide how happy you want to be, so you’ll dance happily with every success you are heading to.

Despite everything that you’re in charge of at the moment, there’s a time when you realize that your soul keep longing for something else. Perhaps recognitions? Or clarities? Or love? Why would you think so? Why would you think there’s a vacancy in there (in your heart)? Believe me, dear, you are loved... and cared by your own self and some other creatures in this life. 

Well, maybe, you are craving for something bigger than just humans’ recognitions. You want to be loved more by your Creator. So you start thinking the best way to achieve it even more. But hey, one thing you should keep in mind, your Creator is always there, watching you, helping you, and most importantly taking care and loving you. So there’s no other reason to feel unloved anymore, okay?

Besides, these few months you began to understand really well that age is just a social construct. You said age is just a number, another decreasing number. But isn’t it weird that people are celebrating at regular intervals as their lives start to run out? Well, at the same time, you feel ineffably grateful since you’re still breathing air and getting older day by day, hopefully wiser as well. So what matters most is your value towards it. Everybody has their own portions no matter how hard their journey. You do yours and they do theirs. 

And once in your lifetime, you finally met these beautiful people, these are the kind ones, who are really passionate about their lives, who are really into their fields, making impacts and committing to only do the good things. They’re the ones who make your heart skip a beat. You started to feel like yourself again but deep down inside you realized, you’ve gone for so long to not strive for a “place” you’ve been longing to be and not give yourself a fully chance to make the most of your life—to utilize it for the goodness of people around you.

Then one day, you listened to your inner voices telling you that no matter how far you are now, you’ll always find your way back to those 7 big goals of yours. So you keep sharpening your pencil, taking all the baby steps of strengthening the acts and redefining your own happiness bit by bit. And by the time you encountered a good and supportive companion, seems like your dreams are much closer as you begin to trust yourself one more time that your dreams are indeed possible to achieve. So… enjoy the ride, Sweetie! 

Here’s to us 💐🍃 

Happy 23rd birthday! Alhamdulillah.”

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This is probably the most favorite (yet the longest) letter I’ve ever written to myself—as a birthday present and also a friendly reminder to be grateful for everything that I have today and not to forget to be the better version of myself every day. Bismillah :)